Ridiculous Candy #15 - Urine Sample Candy
(Photo courtesy of candywarehouse.com)
Thanks to my long time reader Barb for helping to resurrect the Ridiculous Candy category here on theMangoTimes blog. By just reading the title, all of my readers should clearly recognize that this candy is absolutely ridiculous, right? If not, here are a few reasons it made theMT list:
First, I don't need to give my littlest kids any encouragement to joke about, giggle, or play with pee, poop, barf, farts and boogers. That is a default setting for most of our kids and I have no idea where they learned this behavior? Probably their mom. Probably not.
Second, Urine candy? Really? As a society, we do not need to create even the most remote possibility for an error to occur in our homes between urine samples and candy. I don't want to even go through the mental gymnastics of wondering if the vial I open up is candy or real, because an error here would really screw someone up for life. Example: This reminds me of a time when I was in high school and I was drinking a big glass of apple juice from the refridgerator. It had not been given time to cool down yet, so as I took a sip of the room temperature juice, my big brother (the long haired hippy) said, "Is that my urine sample I placed in the fridge?" I have not been able to enjoy apple juice since. Case closed.
Third, the website for this candy says: "Just unscrew the cap and enjoy! Wait until people see you drinking your own pee pee sample.... you've never had so much fun with a medical container." I'm not sure that my goal is to "have fun" with medical containers. Seriously, where are we heading with this idea? Chocolate brownies served in stool sample containers? Come to think of it, we have already blurred the lines between medical containers and having fun. We use Playmate coolers to hold ice cold six packs of Coors, but we also use Playmate coolers to hold human transplant organs enroute to recipients. Again, I don't want to ever confuse medical containers.
Thanks Barb for this bringing this one to the editorial staff here at theMT!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Want to read about other ridiculous candies?
The Candy Cigarette
Pez Candy
or read about all of the candies we deem ridiculous by clicking here for the whole list.
ridiculous candy #12 - next to the last supper gum
Ah yes...after reviewing a variety of ridiculous candies, I think this one qualifies for a category all to itself: Blasphemous Candy.
Sure, when working at a candy company and it's time to name your new candy...why not search the pages of scripture for a witty title? After her recent candy purchases, Kendra arrived home with this little gem: "Next To the Last Supper Gum."
"Blows perfect blasphemy bubbles"
For real double bubble trouble, they could have paved the path to hell a lot faster and just referred to it as "Jehovahlicious" or "Blood of Christ bubbly freshness." Actually, this is good gum to chew when using your "Pencil Top Jesus."
"Savor the Savior's favorite?"
You also get this handy trading card. Note how "European Jesus" is holding the piece of gum which is shining...apparently it is illuminated with it's own minty freshness...
"Gum to chew while you are being stoned"
This reminds me of those cheesy Christian tee-shirts which used to look like a Budweiser label, but instead said "Be wiser" and instead of the "King of Beers," it said "King of Kings." thanks Kendra...this gum wins the editor's nomination for most ridiculous candy!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
PS...I just ate a piece and it wasn't bad at all, so i swallowed it
Ridiculous Candy #5 - Pop Rocks
You can see how this myth so quickly became popular. Seriously, this candy is essentially just tiny exploding acid pebbles. I can remember pouring it on my tongue and then walking around letting them "pop out" of my mouth. So the soda/exploding stomach story was pretty believable by a kid in the 70's. You couldn't pull that kind of lie off today though...sheesh...my kids would be all over that lie like flys on stink!
I hesitate calling this ridiculous candy (because I like it so much), but it does have one qualifying factor: it sounds like a candy you would find in Willy Wonka's factory. And it is in fact, absolutely ridiculous...exploding? In what other situation does making the product "explode" help you to sell or enjoy that product? "Exploding underwear?" Ouch! "Exploding eggs?" Imagine the mess. "Exploding bananas?" Well... This is nearly what happens when my two year old eats one...
As I add this entry to theMangoTimes it makes me want to rip open a package of cherry PopRocks and swig it down with an ice cold Coke...
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy Proof
Proof Picture #1
I realize these are gum cigarettes and not the aforementioned candy cigarettes, but I think you can still see my point here. I like this packaging, because we start off by admitting the black lung joke...isn't that hysterical...nothing like a little pulmonary disease humor! Also, note the bottom comment: "soothing lemon flavor" which reminds us of the soothing menthol flavored cigarettes (that cooling sensation you get while you fry your lung tissue).
Proof Picture #2
At this point, I don't think I even need to add comments to this picture. Not only can we lure them into smoking by this candy substitution method, but we can use paternal imprinting as well. Go ahead and book the time with the family counselor now...the kids are going to need it.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #4 - Pixie Stix
Jumbo Pixie Stix - It's as big as a 6 year old!
Do we even need to discuss this one? Striped paper tubes filled with sugar and pinched off at the ends...hmmm? Now here is the ridiculous part: parents buy this stuff! Can you believe it? I tell you it's a lot cheaper to just give the kids a spoon and the sugar bowl and let them go to town. Realize I grew up in the 70's (the best decade in history if you ask me: Hello? Sid/Marty Krofft, Willy Wonka, etc...) and we used to take multiple pixie sticks and mix them together into a pile and then lick 'em right off the plate.
If this isn't dumb enough, the wizards in the candy kitchen then made a "Jumbo Pixie Stick." What made this version different was the packaging and the size. You see, these candy tubes were about two feet long and they were also made out of industrial strength space-age plastic. Think about it...you have kids yanking their teeth on these plastic pipes to get them open (the teeth that were not extracted during the process of gnawing through the tube were then rotted to the gum by the concentrated levels of pure cane sugar!).
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #3 - The Candy Cigarette;
Do we really need any commentary with this one?
No, seriously, I think it is a good idea to get kids into mock smoking at a very young age because that will make the transition to Marlboros a lot easier in junior high. The funny thing is that we have all tried these silly candies. They were typically made by some cheapo confectioner, and if you remember correctly, they were essentially mint-flavored sticks of chalk. I remember when I first saw these treats (I think it was in the candy parlor of Farrell's Ice Cream—do you remember this place?) and my eyes popped out of my head—Wow! Cigarettes for kids! It even had the red-striped plastic wrapper and it had a cool dust that you could "blow."
Personally, this was a big leap for Rusty Dobbs and me (Rusty was my red-haired best friend during the formative years of the 70's) because we no longer had to "pretend" to smoke with McDonald's french fries. Yup! Now we were really smoking. As a dentist, I consider cavities as the candy cigarette version of cancer.
"Sir, you have twelve cavities..."
"I know, I've been addicted to the candy cigarettes...I eat a pack a day."
Quietly making noise, Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #2 - Pez
I realize that I may be skating on thin ice here. I realize that all of my kids like PEZ, Seinfeld did a show that referenced PEZ, and there are probably a few readers who have collected PEZ dispensers. None of this negates the fact that this is bad candy, plain and simple.
Let's also not forget the fact that its delivery system is based on a ridiculous concept. PEZ tablets in any other situation would be considered cheap medicine candy, and their flavor mimics that of a Flintstones vitamin. I'm certain that the ingredients list is probably one step away from Halls Cough Drops. But, my loyal reader, my point is not to review their horrible chalky sweet taste but to comment on the fact that this candy is just plain ridiculous.
I ask you, in what situation is it considered normal to snap someone's (be it human or cartoon) head back and pull a tasty candy out of their throat? These are for the Jeffrey Dahmers that roam the candy aisle. These are a step away from being marketed as "Tasty Tracheotomy Tablets." Really, the only cool thing about the candy was the actual dispenser, and that was only because they came in a bunch of different characters and had an element of danger to it. My friend Rusty Dobbs was trying to get a wedged PEZ out of his Snoopy dispenser and he got his tongue stuck in the mousetrap mechanism inside... I'm still scarred from that experience. We are a sick society that offers a Pavlovian reward for snapping TweetyBirds' neck back to his shoulders. I'll bet you five bucks that when the final report came out on Columbine High School, you will read that those two boys were addicted to PEZ.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #1 - The Candy Necklace
Back in the days when theMangoTimes was a monthly family newsletter, I used to comment on topics such as "Ridiculous Candy" and "Parental Myths." So, I thought I would recycle some of my previous comments.
The Candy Necklace
To begin with, the candy was just plain bad. It tasted like bad children's vitamins. The biggest bummer with this candy is that it's cool to wear candy as jewelry, but as a kid, you just don't have the patience to wear candy. Almost immediately, you begin nibbling off the candy "jewels," which immediately began the condition called "sticky neck." On a parent level, this candy sucked because with any level of moisture (from saliva or neck sweat...mmmm!), the candy began to dye the collar of the shirt being worn with really bright primary colors. All that aside, you were then faced with the major letdown that when you were done enjoying this candy, all you really had left was a piece of elastic string (and who really wants to wear elastic string?).
Quietly making noise, Fletch