Ridiculous Candy #15 - Urine Sample Candy
(Photo courtesy of candywarehouse.com)
Thanks to my long time reader Barb for helping to resurrect the Ridiculous Candy category here on theMangoTimes blog. By just reading the title, all of my readers should clearly recognize that this candy is absolutely ridiculous, right? If not, here are a few reasons it made theMT list:
First, I don't need to give my littlest kids any encouragement to joke about, giggle, or play with pee, poop, barf, farts and boogers. That is a default setting for most of our kids and I have no idea where they learned this behavior? Probably their mom. Probably not.
Second, Urine candy? Really? As a society, we do not need to create even the most remote possibility for an error to occur in our homes between urine samples and candy. I don't want to even go through the mental gymnastics of wondering if the vial I open up is candy or real, because an error here would really screw someone up for life. Example: This reminds me of a time when I was in high school and I was drinking a big glass of apple juice from the refridgerator. It had not been given time to cool down yet, so as I took a sip of the room temperature juice, my big brother (the long haired hippy) said, "Is that my urine sample I placed in the fridge?" I have not been able to enjoy apple juice since. Case closed.
Third, the website for this candy says: "Just unscrew the cap and enjoy! Wait until people see you drinking your own pee pee sample.... you've never had so much fun with a medical container." I'm not sure that my goal is to "have fun" with medical containers. Seriously, where are we heading with this idea? Chocolate brownies served in stool sample containers? Come to think of it, we have already blurred the lines between medical containers and having fun. We use Playmate coolers to hold ice cold six packs of Coors, but we also use Playmate coolers to hold human transplant organs enroute to recipients. Again, I don't want to ever confuse medical containers.
Thanks Barb for this bringing this one to the editorial staff here at theMT!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Want to read about other ridiculous candies?
The Candy Cigarette
Pez Candy
or read about all of the candies we deem ridiculous by clicking here for the whole list.
Ridiculous Candy #14 - Toilet Candy, #2
You may remember this candy from an earlier post. However, I have included this posting for three reasons:
First, note they have modified the candy, now it is called "Sour Flush." Apparently, the candy makers were missing an entire population of toilet candy patrons. After thorough research (I'm certain!), it was discovered that the success of the plunger pop - candy toilet crystal phenomenon could reach even new heights if they made the candy sour! So, like many companies, they have merely taken the first candy and added a sour component (i.e. Skittles becomes Sour Skittles). I still think they need to come up with a chocolate component to be housed inside the plastic bowl! (Mmmm yumm! Would you mind if I barf just a little bit right now?).
Second, I included this candy because it was delivered to me after 12,000 miles of travel. A faithful reader named Rebecca found this tasty toilet treat in Singapore and carried it with her to a wedding in Holland, where she met up with Yvette who then delivered it the rest of the way to my dental office in California. How is that for international coverage?
Third, at the same time I received the international toilet pop, I was given the same candy to review by Mangoboy #3, who found it in our favorite seaside candy store. It was like a sign! I knew this one needed to receive a 2nd mention in theMT.
So, thank you to Rebecca for your submission (and Yvette for the delivery!) and Jack for finding it!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #13 - Tapeworm Candy, again
The new and improved "gummy" tapeworm
I have already posted about this ridiculous candy before. However, it is apparent that the last version of this intestinal snack was so wildly successful that they needed to repackage this treat. They have made some changes with this new version, let's consider what has improved:
* It is no longer gum, now it is "gummy" - not sure if this is an improvement or not. I'll admit that gummy is more like a worm, but consider the marketing and sales opportunity they've lost. If they kept this as gum, they could try to sell kids on the idea that if you actually swallow the tapeworm gum you get to enjoy the whole seven years it lives in your digestive tract (just like real tapeworms!). They could even sell follow-up "Tapeworm Food" (TicTacs).
* It is now vacuum packed - total improvement, because now you get to see the real deal. This is not just a cartoon tapeworm on the front of the package. Now, you get the full visual experience before laying down your cash on the counter. I love how this is a lobular brown mass superimposed on a cartoon pink intestine - mmmm yumm!
* It is now Apple Flavored - Improvement, I guess...although what flavor is a tape-worm? They could have really wowed us and made it Cranberry Apple flavor (Crapple?).
* It is now 19 inches long - Total Improvement. I fully assume the next version to be bigger (think: pixie stix and then jumbo pixie stix).
I didn't take a picture, but the back of the packaging contains "Tape Worm Facts." Clearly, this candy should appeal to those of us in the homeschool crowd that love to learn in all situations (even when you are eating lower digestive tract themed parasitic candy): "Hey Mom! (with candy tape worm stuck to teeth), did you know that tape worms can grow up to 30 feet long?"
Quietly Making Noise,
Fletch
ridiculous candy #12 - next to the last supper gum
Ah yes...after reviewing a variety of ridiculous candies, I think this one qualifies for a category all to itself: Blasphemous Candy.
Sure, when working at a candy company and it's time to name your new candy...why not search the pages of scripture for a witty title? After her recent candy purchases, Kendra arrived home with this little gem: "Next To the Last Supper Gum."
"Blows perfect blasphemy bubbles"
For real double bubble trouble, they could have paved the path to hell a lot faster and just referred to it as "Jehovahlicious" or "Blood of Christ bubbly freshness." Actually, this is good gum to chew when using your "Pencil Top Jesus."
"Savor the Savior's favorite?"
You also get this handy trading card. Note how "European Jesus" is holding the piece of gum which is shining...apparently it is illuminated with it's own minty freshness...
"Gum to chew while you are being stoned"
This reminds me of those cheesy Christian tee-shirts which used to look like a Budweiser label, but instead said "Be wiser" and instead of the "King of Beers," it said "King of Kings." thanks Kendra...this gum wins the editor's nomination for most ridiculous candy!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
PS...I just ate a piece and it wasn't bad at all, so i swallowed it
ridiculous candy #11 - candy ear wax
"candy ear wax"
had they only thought of this in time, they could have included it as a package deal with this other tasty treat, but i'm pretty sure there is not a lot of cooperation in the gross candy fabrication industry.
on another note, i'm not sure what these candy wizards are thinking about by making edible candy out of bodily emissions. seriously? have you watched any preschoolers lately? they do just fine eating their own boogers, ear wax, finger nails, etc... i don't think we need to encourage them in any way, shape, or form. i've already got a few in my house that are finding those convenient nose holes and ear holes filled with a variety of hidden treats. i am not buying candy that mimics picking, digging and tasting...
quietly making noise,
fletch
Ridiculous Candy #10 - Gummy Heart
Thanks to my old fraternity brother and long time reader of theMangoTimes (let's just call him "Chuck"), I am able to show you one more entry in the ridiculous candy category.
Photo Courtesy Chuck Batchelder
There are two clear benefits to this candy. First, it proclaims to be anatomically accurate and comes with the nifty biological cardboard backing, so you can study both the musculoskeletal system as well as the bronchial airway system while chewing on your candy heart. Second, as mentioned this candy has a "sweet strawberry flavor" which I find to be advantageous over the smoky beef jerky flavor they could have chosen to use (personally, I think the jerky flavor would have been more accurate).
I have a couple of questions though...taking a peak at this candy, why is it a black heart? Probably because the patient was a smoker, right? When "Chuck" sent this suggestion to me, it included the following note: "I saw these candies at the local hardware store and couldn’t help but think of you and all the great candy you have blogged about." Which leads me to wonder...what type of hardware store sells anatomically accurate candy hearts?
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #9 - Acid Drops
Photo courtesy of Mark
I am really enjoying this guest submission deal I have going on with the readers of theMangoTimes. Thanks to Mark, I have one more absolutely ridiculous candy to add to the list. The folks at Tesco must be very proud of their "Acid Drops" candy. They are providing a great service to kids by allowing them the "fun of drugs" without the addiction or the danger. You knew it was just a matter of time didn't you? Give me a break, candy manufacturers have been pushing the candy cigarettes on kids for the past thirty years...what did they expect would happen?
Of course kids would want something stronger...that's how the whole drug thing works. The candy cigarette is the "gateway" candy to the harder stuff. That's where it all starts...then, the next thing you know, kids start experimenting with the harder stuff and before you know it, they are hooked and sneaking over the boarder to buy illegal "hot tamales." They quit school and then you find them...unmotivated...snorting "pixie stix" and carrying their candy drug paraphenalia around in a little metal altoid boxes.
Thanks Mark! This one is truly ridiculous!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
quietly making noise, fletch
Ridiculous Candy #8 - Boogers
Photo courtesy of Sandi
The guest submission idea is taking off...this time it was Sandi that decided to jump into the mix. She sent this little item to me as a sampling from the "birthday express" catalog, where it was included in the "total gross" party theme. Also included was the "nose" pinata with green snot coming out, tootsie-rolls collected in a fake toilet, a cut and bloody ear, a cockroach and a severed finger. This party was recommended for those age 3+ and you could send it all home in a specially designed barf bag.
Okay...fake poo and boogers...this sounds like a really good idea for a three year old birthday party. My three year old would be freaked out. What do you do when they turn four? Maybe you can throw a "dead animals" party or a "surprise! we are putting you up for adoption" bash.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #7 - Tape Worms
Photo courtesy Pomaleedon
Once again, I've been treated to another guest submission by Pamela. As you may recall, she submitted the photo for the ridiculous toilet candy, but I think we have reached the bottom of the ridiculous candy barrel with this treat.
Candy tape-worms? I would rather snort pixie sticks up both nostrils then eat candy tape worms. I would love to have been in the room during product development when the genius suggested creating the tape worm candy. Seriously, has this company even taken the time to acknowledge that this candy is based on a gastrointestinal parasitic infection?
Believe me...I'm not into boycotting, but I think we should let this candy company know how we feel before the research and development team begins full production of any more of their brilliant creations. If not, be prepared for yummy milk-chocolate "hemorrhoid candy" or the new fruity flavored "ulcer gum." Maybe it is just me (and I don't think it is...), but basing a candy product on any portion of the digestive tract just might be the most ridiculous candy I have ever seen.
Thanks Pamela for scooping this one out and for being willing to go back to the store with your camera to get a picture of this yummy treat. Your commitment to insuring quality in theMangoTimes is unparalleled (and unchallenged) to this point!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #6 - Toilet Candy
Photo Courtesy Pomaleedon
I suppose it is time to add a category for guest submissions, because this ridiculous candy was found by Pamela and company. Not much really needs to be said about this candy, except for the obvious: a candy plunger is used to scoop the sugar crystals from inside the toilet. Hmmm...I think I taste a little throw-up in my mouth... It's one thing if you want to turn necklaces into candy or even a candy toothbrush, but toilet contents? I'm not sure I need another area of my life to remember/forget to put the seat down.
But you know what would make this even more fun? If it was pop-rocks inside the toilet. That way it could simulate a toilet explosion/plumbing problems. Regardless, this is just plain ridiculous.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #5 - Pop Rocks
You can see how this myth so quickly became popular. Seriously, this candy is essentially just tiny exploding acid pebbles. I can remember pouring it on my tongue and then walking around letting them "pop out" of my mouth. So the soda/exploding stomach story was pretty believable by a kid in the 70's. You couldn't pull that kind of lie off today though...sheesh...my kids would be all over that lie like flys on stink!
I hesitate calling this ridiculous candy (because I like it so much), but it does have one qualifying factor: it sounds like a candy you would find in Willy Wonka's factory. And it is in fact, absolutely ridiculous...exploding? In what other situation does making the product "explode" help you to sell or enjoy that product? "Exploding underwear?" Ouch! "Exploding eggs?" Imagine the mess. "Exploding bananas?" Well... This is nearly what happens when my two year old eats one...
As I add this entry to theMangoTimes it makes me want to rip open a package of cherry PopRocks and swig it down with an ice cold Coke...
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy Proof
Proof Picture #1
I realize these are gum cigarettes and not the aforementioned candy cigarettes, but I think you can still see my point here. I like this packaging, because we start off by admitting the black lung joke...isn't that hysterical...nothing like a little pulmonary disease humor! Also, note the bottom comment: "soothing lemon flavor" which reminds us of the soothing menthol flavored cigarettes (that cooling sensation you get while you fry your lung tissue).
Proof Picture #2
At this point, I don't think I even need to add comments to this picture. Not only can we lure them into smoking by this candy substitution method, but we can use paternal imprinting as well. Go ahead and book the time with the family counselor now...the kids are going to need it.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #4 - Pixie Stix
Jumbo Pixie Stix - It's as big as a 6 year old!
Do we even need to discuss this one? Striped paper tubes filled with sugar and pinched off at the ends...hmmm? Now here is the ridiculous part: parents buy this stuff! Can you believe it? I tell you it's a lot cheaper to just give the kids a spoon and the sugar bowl and let them go to town. Realize I grew up in the 70's (the best decade in history if you ask me: Hello? Sid/Marty Krofft, Willy Wonka, etc...) and we used to take multiple pixie sticks and mix them together into a pile and then lick 'em right off the plate.
If this isn't dumb enough, the wizards in the candy kitchen then made a "Jumbo Pixie Stick." What made this version different was the packaging and the size. You see, these candy tubes were about two feet long and they were also made out of industrial strength space-age plastic. Think about it...you have kids yanking their teeth on these plastic pipes to get them open (the teeth that were not extracted during the process of gnawing through the tube were then rotted to the gum by the concentrated levels of pure cane sugar!).
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #3 - The Candy Cigarette;
Do we really need any commentary with this one?
No, seriously, I think it is a good idea to get kids into mock smoking at a very young age because that will make the transition to Marlboros a lot easier in junior high. The funny thing is that we have all tried these silly candies. They were typically made by some cheapo confectioner, and if you remember correctly, they were essentially mint-flavored sticks of chalk. I remember when I first saw these treats (I think it was in the candy parlor of Farrell's Ice Cream—do you remember this place?) and my eyes popped out of my head—Wow! Cigarettes for kids! It even had the red-striped plastic wrapper and it had a cool dust that you could "blow."
Personally, this was a big leap for Rusty Dobbs and me (Rusty was my red-haired best friend during the formative years of the 70's) because we no longer had to "pretend" to smoke with McDonald's french fries. Yup! Now we were really smoking. As a dentist, I consider cavities as the candy cigarette version of cancer.
"Sir, you have twelve cavities..."
"I know, I've been addicted to the candy cigarettes...I eat a pack a day."
Quietly making noise, Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #2 - Pez
I realize that I may be skating on thin ice here. I realize that all of my kids like PEZ, Seinfeld did a show that referenced PEZ, and there are probably a few readers who have collected PEZ dispensers. None of this negates the fact that this is bad candy, plain and simple.
Let's also not forget the fact that its delivery system is based on a ridiculous concept. PEZ tablets in any other situation would be considered cheap medicine candy, and their flavor mimics that of a Flintstones vitamin. I'm certain that the ingredients list is probably one step away from Halls Cough Drops. But, my loyal reader, my point is not to review their horrible chalky sweet taste but to comment on the fact that this candy is just plain ridiculous.
I ask you, in what situation is it considered normal to snap someone's (be it human or cartoon) head back and pull a tasty candy out of their throat? These are for the Jeffrey Dahmers that roam the candy aisle. These are a step away from being marketed as "Tasty Tracheotomy Tablets." Really, the only cool thing about the candy was the actual dispenser, and that was only because they came in a bunch of different characters and had an element of danger to it. My friend Rusty Dobbs was trying to get a wedged PEZ out of his Snoopy dispenser and he got his tongue stuck in the mousetrap mechanism inside... I'm still scarred from that experience. We are a sick society that offers a Pavlovian reward for snapping TweetyBirds' neck back to his shoulders. I'll bet you five bucks that when the final report came out on Columbine High School, you will read that those two boys were addicted to PEZ.
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
Ridiculous Candy #1 - The Candy Necklace
Back in the days when theMangoTimes was a monthly family newsletter, I used to comment on topics such as "Ridiculous Candy" and "Parental Myths." So, I thought I would recycle some of my previous comments.
The Candy Necklace
To begin with, the candy was just plain bad. It tasted like bad children's vitamins. The biggest bummer with this candy is that it's cool to wear candy as jewelry, but as a kid, you just don't have the patience to wear candy. Almost immediately, you begin nibbling off the candy "jewels," which immediately began the condition called "sticky neck." On a parent level, this candy sucked because with any level of moisture (from saliva or neck sweat...mmmm!), the candy began to dye the collar of the shirt being worn with really bright primary colors. All that aside, you were then faced with the major letdown that when you were done enjoying this candy, all you really had left was a piece of elastic string (and who really wants to wear elastic string?).
Quietly making noise, Fletch