How To Take A Churchill Bath
Several years ago, I watched the film "Darkest Hour." It's a biopic that looks at a slice of Winston Churchill's life as he served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom during World War II. For the acting alone, you should see this movie. When the credits began rolling in the dark theater, I audibly gasped. I completely forgot that Churchill was portrayed by the actor Gary Oldman. For two hours on screen, he was Churchill.
Moving on. The movie depicted a very tense moment in world history, but one specific scene stood out to me. Winston Churchill dictates a letter to his new secretary while taking his morning bath. Don’t worry, this young woman from the secretary pool at the war office is not in the room with the prime minister. This was not a WW2/MeToo moment. Instead this young assistant sits precariously outside his bathroom. She keeps her ear against the door while desperately trying to listen as Churchill orates from his tub. Gary Oldman nails the speaking traits of Churchill who already sounds like he has marbles in his mouth during normal discussion, but in this scene, the complications are added by the fact that he's balancing a cigar in his mouth while bathing and speaking. She does her best to hear every word as Churchill’s voice echos throughout the bathroom.
Interestingly, the producers of “The Crown” chose to duplicate this scene in their Netflix series. In this production, Churchill is played by John Lithgow. Both actors capture the essence of Churchill's unorthodox working style and his penchant for multitasking in the most unexpected places. Here is a clip for you to get a sense of the scene.
These scenes got me thinking: What exactly is a "Churchill Bath," and how can I achieve such levels of bathtub productivity myself? I’ve spent months perfecting the technique and thought I could break it down for you.
The Churchill Bath: Fletch’s Guide to Soaking Like A Statesman
The Bath: I’m sorry if you have a tiny tub. It simply won’t do. You need something that allows your entire adult body to drop beneath the hot water of a soaking tub. Claw foot tubs are great. In my case, our home has a preexisting jacuzzi tub. Don’t skimp on size. Remodel if necessary.
Timing is everything: Choose the ungodly hours of the morning. Let’s face it, a world crisis is best solved before sunrise. (Side note: You can also choose the middle of the day, because there is something about a midday bath that declares: I just don’t care about schedules!).
Workspace: I bought an extendable bamboo table for my workspace that fits across the tub. It has a back prop to hold a book. There is a cutout to hold a wineglass (meh!) and a section to hold pens, jewelry or other objects. Churchill often had paperwork, a cigar and a glass of whiskey.
Dictate dramatically: Got a letter to write? A speech to compose? Working on solving a crisis at the office? Do it from the tub! I know that in our current world, having a coworker wait for you to bathe can land you in a world of trouble. Solution: Use your smartphone or even better A.I. Record it into your iPhone. Talk to ChatGPT. Bonus points if you can make your words barely comprehensible through the cigar and echoing bathroom acoustics.
Tobacco: Speaking of cigars. Nothing says "I'm solving world crises" like puffing on a stogie or clamping down on a pipe while sitting in a tub covered in bubbles. Be careful with the water - it has been known to extinguish pipes and cigars.
Whiskey: Too early for whiskey? Not for Churchill. It shouldn’t be for you either.
Attitude is key: You have to feel like you are important. Channel your inner statesman, complete with a furrowed brow, a decisive tone, and a complete disregard for normal bathing etiquette are essential. Bark your orders. Mumble your declarations.
Attire matters: An overly large towel or silk robe is ideal for post-bath strutting. Churchill probably had a Union Jack robe, but we can't all be that patriotic. It’s also important to don a nice pair of slippers or house shoes as you depart the bathing area.
Now, I can't promise that bathing like Churchill will make you a great leader or further your chances at winning a Nobel Prize in Literature. But it will certainly make your morning routine more interesting and cause your family members to question you and your behavior. I live for the idea that family members will find my behavior odd.
As I consider both "Darkest Hour" and "The Crown," Churchill's bathtub antics captured my imaginations. They remind me that greatness doesn't always require you to wear a suit and tie – sometimes it wears nothing but bubbles and a determined expression.
The time is now. Go transform your bathroom into your own personal war room. Conquer your world. Lead like the great Churchill. Oh yes, one more thing. In the immortal words of the great statesman himself: “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” I fully acknowledge that I’m proudly declaring how you should behave in your Churchill bath and that early morning cigars in a bathroom is not tolerated by most spouses. You might need to just chew on the cigar and not light it.
So go do it! Who knows? Your next great idea might just come to you while you're channeling your inner Churchill, cigar in hand, dictating to your bewildered cat from the comfort of your bathtub. Just don't forget to actually wash at some point – after all you are taking a bath!
Quietly making noise,
Fletch
