Ridiculous Candy #3 - The Candy Cigarette;

Do we really need any commentary with this one?

No, seriously, I think it is a good idea to get kids into mock smoking at a very young age because that will make the transition to Marlboros a lot easier in junior high. The funny thing is that we have all tried these silly candies. They were typically made by some cheapo confectioner, and if you remember correctly, they were essentially mint-flavored sticks of chalk. I remember when I first saw these treats (I think it was in the candy parlor of Farrell's Ice Cream—do you remember this place?) and my eyes popped out of my head—Wow! Cigarettes for kids! It even had the red-striped plastic wrapper and it had a cool dust that you could "blow."

Personally, this was a big leap for Rusty Dobbs and me (Rusty was my red-haired best friend during the formative years of the 70's) because we no longer had to "pretend" to smoke with McDonald's french fries. Yup! Now we were really smoking. As a dentist, I consider cavities as the candy cigarette version of cancer.

"Sir, you have twelve cavities..."

"I know, I've been addicted to the candy cigarettes...I eat a pack a day."

Quietly making noise, Fletch

Ridiculous Candy #2 - Pez

I realize that I may be skating on thin ice here. I realize that all of my kids like PEZ, Seinfeld did a show that referenced PEZ, and there are probably a few readers who have collected PEZ dispensers. None of this negates the fact that this is bad candy, plain and simple.

Let's also not forget the fact that its delivery system is based on a ridiculous concept. PEZ tablets in any other situation would be considered cheap medicine candy, and their flavor mimics that of a Flintstones vitamin. I'm certain that the ingredients list is probably one step away from Halls Cough Drops. But, my loyal reader, my point is not to review their horrible chalky sweet taste but to comment on the fact that this candy is just plain ridiculous.

I ask you, in what situation is it considered normal to snap someone's (be it human or cartoon) head back and pull a tasty candy out of their throat? These are for the Jeffrey Dahmers that roam the candy aisle. These are a step away from being marketed as "Tasty Tracheotomy Tablets." Really, the only cool thing about the candy was the actual dispenser, and that was only because they came in a bunch of different characters and had an element of danger to it. My friend Rusty Dobbs was trying to get a wedged PEZ out of his Snoopy dispenser and he got his tongue stuck in the mousetrap mechanism inside... I'm still scarred from that experience. We are a sick society that offers a Pavlovian reward for snapping TweetyBirds' neck back to his shoulders. I'll bet you five bucks that when the final report came out on Columbine High School, you will read that those two boys were addicted to PEZ.

Quietly making noise,
Fletch